Pollywogs!

Coffee will pour out of a dispenser in your wall, freshly brewed from brewmasters deep in the heart of Columbia! You’ll have thousands of bean combinations to choose from! Select anything you want at any time of day or night, and it is instantly delivered to your cup! Yea, right…

So my sister bought my folks a new coffee maker because their old one sucked. I don’t remember the old one. But the new Mr. Coffee she purchased unfortunately was designed by retarded assclowns, and put into production with zero real life testing. So, yes, we have a coffee maker from 2005 that is literally one of the worst coffee makers ever!

PROGRESS IS AMAZING!

So, I head down to K-Mart today after having some blood drawn at the old clinic (a story for a different post, just like the $360 dentist bill). I wander the aisles in bemused consumer bliss, orgasming over copious quantities of things I could buy but would never need. I pick up some outrageously expensive shaving creme. I pick up these outrageously inexpensive cute little USB thumb drives. I buy two quarts of motor oil and find Mobil1 that has sat unmolested on the shelf for more than twenty years.

I wander over to Martha’s domain, in search of the most sturdy cork puller money can buy…alas, they are out of stock…buy the quality shit lest ye be left corked! After breaking wine bottle openers, buying replacements that have broken, we finally ’splurge’ and spend the extra three dollars for Martha’s premium shit. And I haven’t broken it yet, regardless of the condition my condition is in.

I reach the final destination of my journey, the coffee maker ‘aisle’, because apparently everyone and their brother needs to make cheap coffee makers. I wander up and down, examining them in turn. I observe that Mr. Coffee is still using the same broken water delivery method that is the impetus for the trip:

Water drips out of a boom that swings over the filter basket. The water distribution is irregular, surging from both the near and far ends of the boom. Occasionally a large spurt comes raging out and clips the edge of the filter…you know what that means: coffee grounds throughout the basket, under the basket, throughout the coffee pot…basically, a gigantic fucking mess which takes a good damn amount of time to thoroughly clean up.

PROGRESS IS AMAZING!

So, back to K-Mart. I start at the high end, and walk my way down. No, no, no…too many booms, not enough central drip action. Finally, I find the object of my desire. A Proctor Silex unit with a central drip. Twelve fucking dollars. Twelve. Fucking. Dollars.

How can a little squeeze bottle of shaving cream cost $6 and a fucking coffee maker cost $12?

CHINA IS AMAZING!

Speaking of China, they are winning the war…let me start a new blog post here, brb…alright.  Click here to continue…